


The Revelation Deprivation

by Jenni_Snake



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Family Drama, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), M/M, character of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-10
Updated: 2011-10-10
Packaged: 2017-10-24 11:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/262978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenni_Snake/pseuds/Jenni_Snake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Secrets can be hard to keep, but coming out is hard to do. Will Howard and Raj's relationship survive until they have the chance? Perhaps, if a determined waitress from Nebraska has anything to say about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (originally published 2010/12/18)

They had fought.

It didn't seem that it would end up like that. Howard had been resting his head on Raj's lap, Raj stroking his hair, as the credits to Law & Order rolled, when Raj sighed.

“What is it, sweetie?” Howard asked, turning to look at Raj and squeezing his side.

Raj glanced towards his laptop and Howard sat up.

“My parents are going to call tonight.”

“So? They call every Friday night at eight o’ clock.”

Raj started wringing his hands. He took a deep breath, ready to speak, but then let it out, and stopped. He tried again with the same results. Howard put a hand on Raj’s arm.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

Raj was still panicking, but managed to get out: “I’m going to tell them… about… us…”

“Oh,” Howard said, taking his hand off Raj’s shoulder and folding it with his other across his stomach.

“I’m just really nervous,” Raj bleated.

“No, I know,” Howard said, frowning, his jaw set.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all is wrong. No, that’s fine. Tell your parents. It doesn’t matter.”

“Well obviously something matters. I would have thought you would be supportive, you know, not treat me like a criminal.”

“I’m not treating you like a criminal! It’s just… two weeks ago you said… God, it’s like you don’t even remember.”

“Said what? What did I say?”

“When I said that after, like, almost a year of sleeping together we should finally drop the pretence and just tell Leonard and Sheldon and Penny about us, you said you weren’t ready.”

“Well, I wasn’t ready,” Raj pointed out.

“I know you weren’t! That’s why I said it was okay, that we’d still talk about it. And here we are, two weeks later, not a word’s been said, and you’re telling me you’re going to come out to your parents! Well thanks for involving me!”

“I didn’t say I was going to! I said I wanted to.”

“No you didn’t!” Howard said, springing from the couch. “You said you were going to! You didn’t even ask me! You might as well not even tell them about me. And then, when it doesn’t go so well, I’ll be your shoulder to cry on, and when everyone else asks me what’s wrong, I’ll get to lie to them again!”

“Oh, there you go again!” Raj yelled, standing up to face Howard. “You manage to make everyone’s problems all about you!”

“Yeah, well maybe that would be a problem if I was involved in any decisions. Somebody has to look out for me.”

“Fine, then. Look out for ‘number one’ like you always do. Do whatever the hell you want.”

“Fine. You stay here and talk to your parents. I’m going to talk to Leonard and Sheldon. I’m going to tell them. I’m sick and tired of lying to my friends.”

“Well I’m tired of it, too. That’s why I want to tell my parents. But I don’t want to do it without you.”

“Well you’re going to have to do it without me. Just like you decided to do it without me in the first place.”

“Why are you being such a jerk? You don’t even care about me. All you care about is whether or not you can fuck me.”

Howard stumbled a bit as if he’d been hit.

“That’s not true,” he said breathlessly. “Not at all. I’ve… I’ve got to go…”

And with that he left, and left Raj alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Raj stared at the clock on his computer screen, hands clenched in his lap. He wished he hadn’t had said what he did to Howard, and that he wasn’t sitting by himself counting down until he would hear the bubbly, ringing noise that told him his parents wanted to talk to him. For the past week he had been anticipating this Friday night at eight o’ clock.

He was missing home.

It had been ages since he’d been back to Delhi. Vaguely, he wondered why he had left, but he couldn’t fool himself – he knew. It wasn’t just the scholarship, or the opportunity to do research with the TAPIR group; he knew he wanted to be in California. Delhi was crowded and backwards, and he was surrounded by the same people, and the same kind of people, all the time. He felt he had no one to talk to, and he always felt nervous, afraid that someone would find out he was gay, and that would be the end of it. He didn’t want to live his life underground, hiding. But California – California would be different.

California was supposed to be different. Open and free, where something like being gay wouldn’t matter at all, to anyone. But Raj didn’t know exactly where that part of California was, or how to find it. In a way, he didn’t want to find it. He felt petulant, but he wanted it to just be easy. Instead, he knew no one else who was gay, or at least openly gay. His colleagues made and laughed at gay jokes, and no one said anything against it. Even he didn’t say anything, afraid of what people would think if he spoke out, what it might do to his studies and his career. The first few months in California had been lonely and depressing. Then he met Howard Wolowitz one day in the cafeteria. Howard claimed to be celebrating Rosh Hashanah with a BLT, which was fine by Raj, who, for his part, was celebrating Dussehra with a cheeseburger. From that moment, they knew they were going to hit it off.

But Howard was a ladies’ man, and made no bones about it. Raj finally figured that, if he couldn’t beat them, he would just have to join them. He still found himself uncomfortable talking to women, ever since he was twelve and his third cousin had told him she knew he liked boys because he didn’t want to kiss her. She had told him that any girl could tell, and he would have to watch out, and also that he’d have to kiss her or she would tell everyone else. But despite his nervousness, Raj had tagged along with Howard.

It wasn’t until they had known each other for four years, and Howard was in the delirium of a post-break-up binge, that he confided to Raj that he was “playing for both teams.” Raj was taken by surprise, and didn’t say anything for a moment. Howard got nervous at his friend’s silence, and tried to back peddle. Raj jumped in, had told him it didn’t matter, that he wouldn’t tell anyone, even though he was silently cursing himself for saying it. Reassuringly, he thought, he told Howard that everyone had probably tried it at some point. Howard had smiled, then dropped the subject. Most likely, he didn’t even remember he had said it because he never brought it up. It took Raj two more years after that for Raj to come out to Howard, and another after that for them to start consciously flirting with one another. A whole year had passed now since they had first kissed. Now maybe their whole relationship was over, and it was all his fault. Worse yet, no one would know, and he wouldn’t have anyone to help him through what he knew would be the worst part of his life.

The last thing he wanted was for things with Howard to end. He wanted things to go on forever, but he wanted it to be easy. Things here wouldn’t be easy on his own. They weren’t easy with someone, either. Just two weeks earlier he had gone to buy Howard a birthday present. He had decided on a new watch, since Howard’s had a crack in the face. He wanted it to be something nice, something durable, something cool. He was perusing the men’s watches when the shop girl asked if he needed any help. Mustering all his courage, he told her with a smile that he was looking for a present for his boyfriend. As he said it, he felt a shiver go down his spine, felt his scalp and palms tingle with perspiration. His heart was beating quickly, but he had done it, the words had come out of his mouth. The shop girl tilted her head and said sweetly, “Oh, for your girlfriend? Why don’t you follow me to the ladies’ section…” And at that moment Raj realised that she had corrected him, thought he had made a mistake, assumed that he didn’t know what gender-appropriate word to use for the person he was spending most of his time with, the person he was most intimate with, the person he loved more than anyone else. With a mixture of disappointment, sadness and shame, he left the store before the shop girl even turned around to see if he was following her. That night, when Howard mentioned that they should think about letting their friends know about their relationship, Raj answered with an unequivocal “no!” He didn’t even want to think about the possibility of being laughed at or shunned by the only people on the continent who cared about him.

It was then, more than ever before, that he that really started to miss Delhi. He missed his friends, his family, his cousins, the classmates he’d grown up with, the streets he walked down, the places he shopped. Even the familiar cans of food that sat on the shelf of the grocer’s down the road, not the strange things that he wondered how people could eat, like marshmallow in a jar, or cheese in a can. During the time that he’d been in California, the State had both approved and revoked marriage equality. He couldn’t believe that in America, of all places, there could be a group that would spend so much money depriving people of their rights. At the same time, he kept up with the news online in Delhi every day. Over the same period of time that California had slid backwards, his hometown had decriminalized sodomy and was going to be hosting its third annual Pride Parade. That made him even more nostalgic for the things he had taken for granted back home. He didn’t want to be the person who looked different anymore, whom everyone thought talked funny. He just wanted to be able to be lost in a crowd. He started to wonder if he was in the right part of the world.

There was no easy way to figure that one out, though. But he felt that telling his parents, no matter the consequences, would at least help him refocus. He put his head down on the desk and stared at the computer. He was dreading eight o’ clock. He just really wished that Howard was there with him.


	3. Chapter 3

"Leonard! Sheldon! Open the door!"

Penny rolled her eyes, put her book down, and got up to open her own door to see Howard banging at 4A.

"Who's there?" she sang sarcastically.

Howard turned around and tried to focus on her with squinted eyes.

"You're not Leonard," he remarked.

Penny knitted her brow.

"Oh my God," she drawled. "Howard, are you drunk?"

"No," he said, sulking.

"You are, too! What are you doing here?"

"I want to see Leonard and Sheldon," he whined. He paused before adding: "And you."

Penny's eyes grew wide as she worried exactly how she would be involved in a scheme involving a drunken Howard, but she decided to play things cool.

"Well, they're not in. Leonard had to drive Sheldon back to the comic book store to return a comic. A page was bent or something. I think they decided to have dinner out after that."

She could see that Howard wasn't processing the details, but understood the gist of what she was saying.

"I'm going home, then," he sighed, turning towards the stairs.

"Oh no, you're not!" Penny scolded automatically. She was kicking herself, knowing that there would be nowhere else for Howard to sober up except at her place. Still, she couldn't in good conscience let him drive in the state he was in.

"I'm fine, Penny," he retorted.

"Ok," she challenged, "then walk over here in a straight line."

Howard concentrated on her door, but then looked at his feet, and ended up at the elevator.

“Get in here!” she commanded, and Howard obeyed. She was surprised that he’d managed to get up four flights of stairs, and hoped to heck that he hadn’t driven over here in the same state.

Once inside, she sat Howard down at one end of the couch, fetched him a glass of water, and plunked herself down at the other, staring him down. He adamantly ignored her for a while, pouting into his water. Finally, he glanced over at her and she kept his gaze.

“What?” he asked, nervously, some of his sobriety returning.

“What?! What do you mean ‘what’? You come banging on my door –”

"Actually, it was Leonard and Sheldon's door..." Howard corrected her.

"Whatever! On our doors, half drunk -"

"Maybe a little more than half..."

"Would you stop correcting me?!"

Howard drank some more water.

"And, AND," Penny continued, shrilly, "you tell me you want to talk to us, and then try to disappear!"

Howard took another sip of water.

"So don't 'what' me!" Penny concluded.

Howard's shoulders slumped and he sighed. She could tell he was searching for a way to say what he wanted, chewing his bottom lip, his eyes darting back and forth, fixing on nothing. Penny watched him, literally on the edge of her seat. She scooted back a bit.

After a long moment, he looked up at her, a look of apprehension clouding his face. He swallowed before he spoke.

“I…” he hesitated, “have a friend…”

“Oh no, you don’t!” Penny warned him. “No way – you’re not playing that game with me!”

He held her gaze, considering his options.

“All right,” he said finally, “but I’m not supposed to be doing this, so you have to promise that you don’t say anything to anyone.”

There was something so desperate about Howard’s tone, such a look of pleading in his eyes that Penny nodded solemnly, and meant it.

Another moment of deliberation, and she wondered if he was debating blurting out whatever it was he had to say, or drawing it out instead.

“Raj and I are sleeping together. We have been for about a year.”

Penny’s eyes grew wide and her heart skipped a beat. Some part of her brain noted for her that Howard had chosen the blurting out approach.

“Oh,” was all she managed to squeak out. Howard was looking at her uncertainly.

"'Oh’ good oh, or ‘oh’ bad oh?”

“No, no, no!” she stammered. “No, not bad! Just… it’s just a surprise. And… wow. Oh.”

Howard rubbed his hands over his face.

“Well, it doesn’t matter at this point. It’s probably all over.”

“What?!” Penny reeled. “Wait a minute – back up here. What’s going on?”

A sad look spread across Howard’s face and his voice became tight.

“I don’t think he wants to see me anymore.”

“Um, sweetie,” Penny said, wondering at herself for using that term of endearment with Howard, “I think you’re going to have to back up a bit more than that. What happened before that?”

“It’s stupid. I wanted to… to… you know, tell you and Leonard and Sheldon about us, because it’s just been so weird, you know, hiding from you guys.”

Penny nodded, deciding to let Howard finish without interruption.

“And we talked about it, and he said he didn’t want to do it and that’s ok but then…”

As he spoke, Howard’s voice grew more strained until he couldn’t talk anymore and the tears that had welled up in his eyes streaked his face. Penny grabbed him a tissue and moved closer to comfort him.

“Then,” he continued after catching his breath, “he wanted to tell his parents, just like that, and we had a fight and – and I feel like I messed everything up.”

Again he started sobbing silently, gasping for air as large tears tumbled down his cheeks one after another. Penny made him drink some water, though he seemed oblivious to her rubbing his back. She was partly thankful for that, though she felt mean for thinking it.

“Look, sweetie,” she said, still feeling slightly awkward saying it, “look, I think that it’s probably not as bad as you think. Every couple fights.”

Howard shuddered a sigh, but stopped crying and looked up at her and smiled.

“God, it sounds…” he searched for a way to say it, “it just sounds really good to hear someone say that.”

“Say what?” Penny asked, a bit confused. She hadn’t ever thought anyone would be so happy to hear that everyone fights.

“’Couple.’ It sounds… really good.”

“Oh come on, you two have been a couple forever,” she teased, making Howard smile again.

“I know,” he said, “I just wish… I wish we didn’t have to hide from our friends.”

“You really shouldn’t have to hide from anyone!” Penny declared enthusiastically. “I mean, it’s like the twentieth century.”

“Twenty-first,” Howard corrected.

“Really?” Penny tried doing some quick math reckoning in her head, but gave up and decided to just trust Howard on that one. “Anyway, things have moved on! People are more open! This isn’t Nebraska!”

“No, it’s not… but have you ever seen a gay couple here holding hands? Well, outside of West Hollywood…” he asked.

She thought about it.

“Sure, once or twice.”

“Try watching the people who are watching them. All the dirty looks you have to ignore. You can’t just feel comfortable like when you’re with a girl.” Howard sighed again.

“That sucks,” was all the comfort Penny could offer.

“That’s why I thought, since we’re really not out anywhere else, it would be nice to, you know, have the support of our friends. But Raj is worried it’ll make everyone awkward.”

“Oh, please,” Penny laughed, “if we were going to be uncomfortable, we already would’ve been.”

“I know, which is why I didn’t think it was such a big deal. But coming out to your parents?” Howard balked. “That’s… that’s just… I don’t know, I just can’t imagine it. It’s terrifying.”

“All right, now I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything, but I think I can help. I’m a bit of a ‘relationship guru.’”

Howard raised his eyebrows skeptically.

“Okay, so not when it comes to my own relationships, granted. But it’s a little bit like… well, a little bit like looking at one of those, what are they called? Atomic sub… not submarines… sub…”

“Subatomic particles?” offered Howard.

“Yeah, those things. When you look at them too close they move, so you can’t know where they’re going and where they are at the same time.”

“Wow,” Howard said, impressed.

“So, like, I can’t help my own relationships because I’m right there staring at it and hoping it’ll go one way. But that’s beside the point. Look, from what I’m hearing, you’re both at just really different points with things. Give things some time. And think about it like this - you don’t have to deal with Raj’s parents, they’re in another country. Seriously, it’s almost like being on another continent. And besides, a relationship is about give and take. Let him have this one, and maybe it’ll give you some space to talk.”

Howard thought for a while. Then he nodded and took the last swig of his water.

“You know what, you’re right.” He blinked a few times and took a deep breath. Suddenly he jumped and asked, “What time is it?”

“Ten after seven. Why?”

“Raj’s parents call at eight. I’ll have just enough time to make it. I have to go!” he cried, springing from his seat and rushing to the door.

“Wait! Are you sure you’re okay to drive?”

Howard looked around frantically, then appeared to have an idea. He walked one foot in front of the other in a straight line back to the couch.

“Okay, okay, you’re good! Go!”

Quickly Howard turned, then turned back to Penny.

“Thank you,” he said, and gave her a quick hug. She found herself hugging him back.

“And,” he added, “I hate saying this, but can you not say anything to anyone about this?”

“My lips are sealed. Besides, the time will come.”

He smiled, and dashed out the door. Penny sat back down, picked up Physics for Dummies, and flipped to the spot she had bookmarked. It struck her that she was at home with a bottle of wine reading on a Friday night. She shrugged and turned the page to the heading Magnetism: More than Attraction. Maybe Sheldon was right, she thought with a grin, physics might very well have the answer to everything.

\---

Raj laid his head down on the desk and watched the clock on the computer screen. It was five minutes to eight, and he had grown steadily more nervous as the moments counted down. His stomach was churning. At one point he had considered forgetting telling his parents anything, and just moving back to India – he had even checked out the prices of airline tickets. He had gone as far as to get to the information verification screen, but when it came to typing in “Home Address,” he couldn’t. What if this wasn’t his home? He didn’t want to think about any of it. He was toying with the idea of hitting the Shut Down button on his computer when there was a knock at the door. He got up to answer it.

Howard stood on the other side.

“Hey,” he said, sheepishly, looking both cute and ridiculous in his scooter helmet.

“Hey,” Raj echoed, trying to suppress a smile.

“I know I have keys, but… Can I come in?”

“Don’t be silly,” Raj said, pulling Howard inside, taking off his helmet, and giving him a kiss. “I’m so sorry I yelled, I didn’t mean it.”

“Don’t apologise,” Howard said, and kissed him back. “Your parents didn’t call yet, did they?”

Raj shook his head, and dragged Howard over to the computer. They sat down, holding hands, waiting for eight o’ clock. Raj finally felt at ease. He knew that no matter what was happening around him and no matter where he was in the world, this was home.


End file.
